Photo: Typical Snapple-Apple Request for Two-X-factor Verification Authentication Code

The internet has gone to the dogs. Seriously. When was the last time you got a straight answer from Google? And who the hell is Mr Al Gore-Ithm?

19 May 2021 | James Porteous | Clipper Media

I just finished half-reading an article in Wired (How algorithms took creativity out of social media) and it is very interesting and it certainly would be great if we could ‘take back control’ of what was once ‘ours,’ but there is a part of me, a large part of me, that suspects that things are the way they are for a reason. It is, as always, about control.

For example, when was the last time you got a straight answer from Google?

Now, when you attempt to perform even a simple search you have to wade through a full screen of completely useless ads masquerading as ‘results’ that are touting useless things that may in some way be related to what you are looking for but are more than likely proof of Mr Al Gore-Ithm dicking you around for the hell of it.

And even then, more often than not your search, in which you have said ‘must include X,‘ shows results with a line through ‘must include X part.’ As in

So you can’t help but wonder if Google is in cahoots with Mr Al Gore-Ithm and they have decided that when you said ‘must include X’ you meant ‘I don’t really give a shit if it includes X or not’ and you were too stupid or lazy to know how to harness Mr Al Gore-Ithm so as to find what you really wanted to find.

So they found something else for you instead. And even took the time to point out that they know they did not give you the results you wanted. Because they know better.

And then there is Apple’s Two-X-factor Verification Authentication Code which is often invoked every single freaking time you want to do anything that requires you to input your name and password but then forces you to wait for a text message with a verification code that is meant to prove that you are who you say you are.

What used to take three seconds can now take 10 minutes if you come to the screen unprepared. As in realzing too late that the phone now expecting to receive the revered Two-X-factor Verification Authentication Code is in need of a charge and you will have to find the damn charger and then sit on your hands for the 10 – 15 minutes it will take to charge your saintly phone so as to enable logging into the program that is only causing you distress because it is their sworn duty to ensure that you really are who you say you are.

Or the stupid, stupid fucking stupid useless gotcha jumble of numbers and letters or blurry photos that have clearly been designed with the express purpose of preventing you from doing whatever stupid simple task you set out to do.

I don’t know about you, but I have lost count of the times I have seriously given up trying to register for a newsletter or access a web page after ‘failing the test’ a half dozen times. I mean, really. Screw it.

In short, the desire of ‘them’ to protect us from ‘unknowns,’ even when we are the unknowns, has made it increasingly impossible to actually prove who we say we are when all we want is to go online and check out some random crap in the name of saving us from us. It might actually be easier to hire a real jury to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are who we say we are.

It all reminds me of the old days at Apple when Jony and his Snapple-Apple ‘Two-X-factor Verification Authentication Code‘ crew are said to have spent weeks loafing about while trying to find the best way to ’round’ all the iPhone fonts or removing the photo of the person who was calling you and replacing it with a dot so tiny you had to put on your reading glasses before deciding where to ‘take the call’ or not.

He and his Snapple-Apple crew dearly loved removing or revamping features that were perfectly fine the way they were and then not bothering to tell anyone outside the Snapple-Apple Crew because well, who doesn’t want to pull an Alexander Haig routine sometimes.

So the message is clear. You gotta chill, man. Plan ahead. And if you screw up and Mr Al Gore- Ithm or the Snapple-Apple Crew screw you around, just laugh it off.

Right? You gotta live for the moment. If you are not part of the solution you’re part of…

Oh fuck it. Look it up. But change the middle word. Mr. Google and Al Gore-Ithm don’t like swearing. Especially if your search reads ‘must include fuck.’ No fucking way, man.

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